Til it's gone
by Sunrise over the Tango Factory
Summary: Lister never knew how much Rimmer actually meant to him before now. Slightly slash if you look at it that way.
1. Chapter 1

**Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N:** A short little story. I was in the car with my mother, who put a Paul Young tape on…yes, pity me…anyway, there was this song 'Come back and stay' which had quite interesting lyrics and that got the creative juices flowing so to speak! I was on the computer later, waiting for Rage to return to her MSN, when I thought 'oh, why don't I write something'. This story is quite angsty, but enjoy anyway. Feedback appreciated.  
Sunrise

* * *

It has often been said that you only truly appreciate something when it's gone. When it's there, you're not excited by its presence; you don't wake up every morning glad that its there, you don't tell yourself how lucky you are to have this things around, the truth is you take it for granted. 

That's why it's such a shock to a persons system when a thing that they've become so accustomed to having around suddenly isn't there any more.

This was the only way Lister could possible begin to describe how he felt.

Rimmer had been gone nearly a month, and yet he still found himself calling out his name when something was happening, he still found himself saying 'good morning' to an empty bunk, he still found himself making 3 cups of coffee, one for him, one for cat…one for Rimmer.

He groaned as he realised how silly it all was.

He hated Rimmer when he was here, couldn't stand the sight of him…but now, a month after his departure…why was he feeling like he'd lost a part of himself.

He'd tried carrying on as normal, tried to pretend Rimmer was else where onboard the ship. Sometimes he tried pretending Rimmer never existed, but that always made him feel guilty, as if he were trying to change everything.

Kryten and Cat weren't making things easier. Cat never hid his displeasure towards Rimmer and now that he was gone, Cat was nastier then ever. Kryten was the complete opposite; he rarely brought Rimmer into conversation, and said very little on the matter if it did crop up.

Lister smiled faintly as he remembered loosing his temper with them one night. It had started out fairly normal.

Cat was ranting and raving about why Rimmer never deserved to live in the first place, with each passing second Lister was getting more and more wound up.

All right, the things Cat was saying were true, but he was not only overstepping the mark, he was dancing on it. It wasn't just the insults that were irritating Lister, Cat kept using the word 'was'; he made it sound as if Rimmer was gone forever.

After nearly 10 minutes of trying to keep his anger bottled up, Lister finally snapped.

"STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM AS IF HE'S DEAD!" he found himself shouting,

Cat and Kryten blinked in surprise.

"But buddy…he is dead, even before he died the second time he was dead. He can't be deader…thank God!" said the Cat,

It was at that point that Lister had to leave the room, for fear of showing how he really felt.

He was now staring sullenly out of Starbug's viewport window, watching the dark abyss move by.

He wondered where Rimmer was. He tried to imagine what he'd be doing at this precise moment in time…probably doing 'Ace' type things, saving damsels in distress, fighting bad guys, saving civilisations, having his hair made to look fantastic 24/7.

The consolation that Rimmer was probably having a great time being Ace didn't stop Lister's loneliness.

The worse part was when Lister recalled all the mean things he'd ever done or said to Rimmer, all he wanted to do was say sorry…

Lister felt a tear run down his cheek as he ran his fingers down the glass of the vierport window.

"Please come back, man," he whispered, "please…I need you…"


	2. Chapter 2

**Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N:**I didn't really plan to continue this, but I got lovely reviews (thanks guys :D) and also I had a quite good idea, so here it is...angst city...a return trip! Enjoy

* * *

Life, as people so often quote, goes on.

The trouble is that this life that goes on, is often complete and utter crap, so much so people wish that the life didn't have to continue.

Lister lost complete interest in things several months ago he loved…he hadn't touched lager for nearly 3 weeks now, he talked less and less, he refused to join in with the ritual games night preferring to sit alone in his darkened quarters.

He would sometimes sit in his quarters for days on end, a thousand and one thoughts racing through his head, each more confusing than the last. He could literally feel his sanity slipping away as easily as grains of sand slipping through a person's finger.

After torturing himself for hours on end, he'd finally give way to the intense exhaustion that clawed at his system like a starved animal.

He'd collapse into an uneasy, dreamless sleep before waking up and allowing the whole process to take place again.

Lister lay in a lethargic state on his bunk after succumbing to his tiredness. He was only half aware of someone walking over to his bunk, and he twitched only slightly when someone's fingers made contact with his cheek. The touch moved its way down his cheek, tickling him a little, he moved his hand to brush it off but someone clasped his hand protectively.

He eased open his eyes to see Rimmer smiling down at him.

"Rimmer…" breathed Lister, scarcely able to believe it,

Rimmer leant forward and placed a feather light kiss on the top of Lister's head, but as Lister moved to embrace his returned friend he melted away like smoke and Lister was left alone in the empty, dark quarters.

He sat bolt upright, "Rimmer" he called into the darkness, but there was no reply. Lister climbed out of his bunk, eyes darting about the gloomy quarters hoping to see Rimmer stood somewhere, but only the dark stared back at him.

He then hurried from the room into the equally dim corridor "Rimmer?" he whispered, looking up and down the corridor. He then made his way to the midsection, calling Rimmer's name every few feet.

Being the middle of the night, the midsection was empty and Kryten was obviously somewhere else on board.

"Rimmer…" said Lister, raising his voice somewhat but upon getting no reply, he then walked the corridor towards the other decks, only this time, he moved quicker and more briskly.

"Rimmer?" he called, increasing his voice and his speed each time until the point he found himself running through the maze of corridors, in and out of rooms, screaming at the top of his voice.

Kryten, upon hearing his screams, abandoned his laundry duties and rushed into the corridor.

There was something about the way Lister acted that made him feel uneasy. Even when Kryten asked him what was wrong, Lister ignored him. Also, the way his master looked made Kryten shudder, his eyes were unnaturally wide, he moved too quickly and his breathing had become shallow and erratic.

"Rimmer!" he screamed, the tinge of desperation in his voice grew with each calling, "Rimmer…Rimmer…RIMMER!"

Kryten grabbed Lister by the shoulders and forced him against the wall, "Sir" he begged, "Sir please-"

"Kryten, lemme go…I need to find Rimmer, I…I need to find Rimmer!"

"Mister Rimmer is not here, sir.," said Kryten forcefully,

"No" murmured Lister, shaking his head defiantly, "no…no...he...he can't…. HE CAN'T BE GONE!"

Kryten placed his hands either side of Lister's face and moved his head so he looked directly into his eyes "He's gone, sir" said the mechanoid quietly "he's gone…"

Lister shook his head, "no…no…" he whimpered, sliding down the wall and hugging his knees, sobbing hysterically.

Kryten was at a loss, he'd never seen Lister act this way before and his behaviour unnerved him.

It was completely out of character.

Whether he knew what he was doing or not, Kryten knelt down beside the crying Lister, and wrapped his arms around his shoulders tenderly.

Lister cried for several minutes, before slumping against the mechanoid's chest as if drained by the whole affair.

"I saw him…he was here…" whispered Lister, wearily.

"Who was?" asked Kryten,

A weak smile played across Lister's lips "Rimmer-" he replied simply.

Kryten for a few seconds was stunned into silence "when?" he said,

"Just now…in my quarters…I woke up…and there he was…"

"I'm sorry sir, but that was just a dream…there is no way Mr Rimmer could have been on board this ship."

"He was here!" said Lister quickly, turning to face Kryten "he was here…I saw him…I felt him…he touched me…he kissed me…if he was a dream then how did I feel it Krytes…. how?"

Kryten lowered his head "I don't know sir" he paused, and tightened his hold on Lister to try to calm them both down, "I don't know"

There was a moment or two of silence "Kryten?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Will Rimmer come back?" asked Lister, sadly.

"Yet another question I cannot answer sir…if Rimmer feels it right to return…then…he will."

Content with Kryten's answer, Lister promptly fell asleep. Kryten however felt anything but relaxed, he raised his head to the ceiling as if in prayer and quoted

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."


	3. Chapter 3

**Sunrise over the tango factory:** Quick word...thanks for reviews...love you all...love you love you love you! **Prepare for angst! **

* * *

The bottle of pills sat on the side. 

The light of the room reflecting off its dark brown glass.

It looked so still…. so harmless…almost inviting.

Lister gave a shudder and tried to turn away from it's non-existent gaze, but he could still feel its presence.

He felt like he was being watched…the pills were waiting...waiting for him to give up living…waiting for him to find his release.

Sitting on his bunk, head in his hands, shoulders hunched up to his ears. He was a picture of despair.

Since the 'dream', he'd slipped further into a state of permanent confusion and misery. He locked himself in his quarters, refusing to eat, refusing to speak, refusing to be himself.

No matter how much Kryten or Cat attempted to pull him from his mood, Lister still acted the same.

There was a brief knock at the door, before it slid open to reveal an apprehensive looking Kryten. Lister didn't even look up,

"Sir?" asked Kryten quietly.

Lister lifted his head to look directly at the mechanoid. Kryten wished he hadn't, Lister's eyes had lost their usual sparkle, the man that sat before him looked like his master, but in actual fact he was only a shadow of a man. A man half crazed by his loneliness.

Kryten twisted his hands nervously "sir, do you want anything to eat?"

Lister remained still before slowing shaking his head.

"Sir" pleaded Kryten "you must eat…"

Lister took to once again glaring at the floor, trying to block out the words that were being said to him…what did Kryten know anyway, he'd never experienced a feeling like this…he didn't suffer from emotions…he didn't have to endure the pain of a broken heart…he didn't have to continue a life without someone who was missed dearly!

Kryten sighed inwardly, "Sir, I'm asking you now…as a friend…to please snap out of this…this…sulk"

Lister head jerked up, he stared angrily at the mechanoid, but he still continued to say nothing in his defence.

Kryten persisted, "you lying in your room, refusing to talk or eat or sleep will not bring him back…and it's time you faced up to that…he's never coming back!"

The instant those words had poured from his mouth, he regretted it and he watched guilty as Lister's anger melted away into grief. He curled up on his bunk; knees drew to his chest with his back to Kryten.

"Sir?"

"Just go Krytes…" whispered Lister, silent tears streaking his cheeks.

Kryten hesistated, it didn't feel right leaving Lister alone after what has just happened.

"Go" said Lister, a little louder.

This time Kryten obliged, he walked from the room pausing only when he reached the door, he gazed sadly at Lister and shook his head, before closing the door gently.

Deep down, Lister knew Kryten was right.

Rimmer wouldn't come back…what was there here for him…not a life worth living that's for sure.

And theres no way Rimmer would give up being Ace just of him.

Lister's tears were coming thick and fast, but not out of sadness…they were tears of rage.

He left his bunk and allowed his eyes to wander round the room…the other side of the room was completely bare as Rimmer had took most of his possessions with him. Lister had tried creating a mess on that side of the room to cover to emptiness of it, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Rimmer wouldn't have liked it….

The blankness of the room made Lister angrier, it was a constant reminder of what was missing in his life, of what he'd had taken away.

"Why'd you have to leave?" Lister found himself screaming at the empty room. "Why'd you have to go…why'd you have to leave me on my own?" He paused, as if expecting an answer, "do I mean so little to you" Lister screamed "do you really hate me that much? Do you!"

The silence roared his ears; the sound of his heart pounding in his chest was the only thing disrupting the peace of the room.

Lister placed a hand to his chest, and felt his heart beat. He closed his eyes and for a moment was lost in its repetitiveness.

Thump.

Rest.

Thump.

Rest.

Thump.

His heart appeared to be working perfectly…but why did it hurt so much.

Why, from the moment he woke up til the time he fell asleep, did Lister felt like his heart was breaking?

Lister gave a shuddery breath as he spotted the bottle of extra strength pills he'd stolen from the medi-bay earlier.

With shaking hands he unscrewed the top, the pills clinked against the glass as he did so. He poured a handful out onto his palm and without a second thought, swallowed them. He hastily tipped out another handful and promptly swallowed them before repeating it over again. Before he realised what was happening, the bottle was empty.

Lister's head was spinning, he grasped the edge of side as the room rolled and turned, the bottle slipped from his grasp and shattered on the floor.

Suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to sleep, Lister rested his head on his arm and groand, he then become aware of voices in the corridor outside. He tried to move over to his bunk, so he would appear to be asleep but his legs refused to function. Lister eventually managed to grip the side and pull himself upright, and was just about to stumble over to his bunk when he heard the door swish open.

"Lister?"

Lister looked up to see Rimmer staring back at him. He just managed to give a smile before his legs buckled and he felt himself falling towards the floor and the comforting darkness that followed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Sunrise over the tango factory:** Squeals in delight at reviews Ooohh...thank you so much! I'm actually really enjoying writing this little story...as I get to listen to angsty music...well I do anyway but what the heck. Because of the lovely reviews...i'm going to thank you all personally.  
Okay, big 'thank you's go out to: Rack, Lar-ton, FantasySci5, cazflibs, Jumana, felineranger, smegginitlarge, anon (whoever you are), lexx34, Starquality and VirginsBurnAlot. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!  
Sunrise XXX  
Oh yes,enjoy!

* * *

Few words can describe the feelings a person experiences when someone close to them is hurt.

After watching Lister sink to the floor, Rimmer's brain battled to make him feel several emotions at once: fear, apprehension and confusion to name a few. And because Rimmer's brain was preoccupied trying to decide what to make him feel, for a few seconds he stood frozen to the spot, simply watching Lister.

His brain eventually gave up on choosing Rimmer's emotions and opted to get his body to do something useful.

'What are you waiting for?' it snapped rather rudely "help him!'

Rimmer gave his head a sharp shake to clear his senses and raced to Lister's side,

"Lister-" he said, lightly tapping the side of his face, hoping, praying that he'd wake up. Upon receiving no response, Rimmer was gripped by an overwhelming sense of panic.

"Lister, please" he pleaded "Wake up!" but still he lay motionless on the floor.

"Smeg!" swore Rimmer angrily, slamming his fist down on the floor in his frustration, he felt a something sharp prick his hand, and looked down to see a shard of glass on the floor. He hastily picked it up and noticed the label attached…he swore for a second time when he read the label and felt a cold sense of dread descend onto him.

"Kryten!" he yelled frantically, before scooping Lister up into his arms. Rimmer tried his hardest to ignore the fact that Lister already felt cold and his body was limp like a rag doll.

The mechanoid arrived at the door and when he saw the scene that lay before him, choked on his words.

"Medi-bay, quickly!" Rimmer ordered, tightening his hold on Lister, for his own sake rather than anyone else's.

Kryten nodded mutely before racing towards the medi-bay after him, "Mr Rimmer sir, what's the matter? What happened? Is there anything I can do?" he gabbled.

"I think he's taken an overdose," replied Rimmer, "found a bottle of smashed pills next to him…empty"

Kryten pace slowed in shock "overdose" he repeated in a hoarse voice "you mean…he did this on purpose...b...but why?"

"Why is not important right now" barked Rimmer "Lister needs our help or else he might…"

Not surprisingly Rimmer couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence, instead he placed Lister gently down on the medi-bay bed before running from the room, leaving Kryten to tend to Lister.

Rimmer was physically sick after he'd fled the medi-bay, he was shaking non stop and he was trying to wrap his head around what on Io could possibly have driven Lister to suicide.

All the while images of Lister's lifeless body flashed inside his mind, causing him to shudder.

Time wore on a snails pace...the minutes stretched into hours and the hours lasted for what seemed like days.

Rimmer felt like a spare part, he was aching to do something to help but he couldn't bring himself to enter the medi-bay. So instead, he paced the corridor, eyes staring straight ahead, his face blank.

The door of the medi-bay eventually opened, and a grave looking Kryten stepped out.

Rimmer felt his heart hammer at his ribcage; his throat dried up and speaking became impossible, so he waited for news rather than asking for it.

"Alive" said Kryten simply, "but these next few hours are critical…."

Rimmer felt weak with relief, but it was tinged with worry at the word' critical'

"Can I?" he whispered, gesturing to the medi-bay. Kryten nodded and stepped aside.

Rimmer timidly entered the room, not really knowing what to expect. He inhaled sharply as he saw Lister.

He was hooked up to a heart monitor, which bleeped every few seconds as if to comfort Rimmer, reassuring him that Lister _was_ alive.

He looked frail…as if even the slightest movement could finish him off. Rimmer suddenly felt very nervous…he contemplated leaving the medi-bay now, rather than having to continue seeing Lister's in this condition. He decided against it, and sat down beside Lister and held his hand softly, scared of hurting him.

Rimmer sat and watched Lister's chest slowly rise and fall, before putting his head in his hands. The feeling of helplessness that filled him was indescribable. He racked his brains trying to come up with a way he could make this situation better…but none came.

Suddenly overwhelmed by everything, Rimmer broke into silent tears.

He stayed by Lister's bedside for nearly 8 hours, his eyes darting over the heart monitor every few seconds to check if as was wall.

Kryten frequently came in to check on Lister but also to try and persuade Rimmer to rest.

"I don't want to leave him," said Rimmer, in a quiet voice

"I know that," replied Kryten understandingly "but please-"

Rimmer hesitated, he made half and effort to leave the chair next to Lister and allowed Kryten to gently lead him away when he failed to leave properly.

It was when he reached the door when Rimmer heard a sound that will remain with him for the rest of his days.

"Smeghead?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N:** This chapter has been so hard to write...sometimes I felt like beating myself to death with the keyboard...but...finally...here we are! Thanks for all the feedback! Love you all!

Sunrise

* * *

Rimmer sat and stared into the dark abyss of his cup of coffee.

It was stone cold given he'd been staring at it for the best part of 2 hours.

He sighed and looked up and around the midsection to ease the dull ache in his neck.

Lister had spent over a week recovering in the medi-bay, and Rimmer had not yet brought himself to venture in yet.

The thing was, he was afraid of what he'd say when he got in there…no doubt something insensitive and totally inappropriate.

Or worse, what if said what he actually thought…he went cold at the very thought and took to once again gazing at his coffee.

He jumped as someone placed a hand on his shoulder; he spun round to see Kryten.

"Sir" said the mechanoid, "we need to talk…"

Rimmer frowned, "what about?" he asked dubiously

"Lister" replied Kryten simply, Rimmer coughed and looked away, a sign that he didn't want this conversation to carry on.

"I think I know the reason why he felt the need to try and kill himself"

Rimmer quickly turned to face him, "what?" he asked.

Kryten paused and looked to the floor "you" he said finally.

A long silence followed.

"Me?" laughed Rimmer, "but…but I've not been here!"

"And perhaps that's the reason why" said Kryten quietly, "your absence"

Rimmer couldn't believe what he was hearing.

How could he have driven Lister to suicide…he'd left Starbug months ago.

"The thing is sir…he missed you." said Kryten when Rimmer didn't respond

Rimmer tightened his grip around his coffee cup "missed me?" he repeated in a hushed voice

Kryten nodded. He'd been contemplating telling Rimmer about Lister's behaviour, and that very morning had finally decided to go ahead with it.

"No" Rimmer said, shaking his head "no, no…it…that wouldn't happen…you must be mistaken…me and Lister aren't even friends"

"Mr Lister thinks of you as much more than a friend," said Kryten as Rimmer moved to walk away.

He stopped, and looked towards the mechanoid with a questioning look upon his face.

"I think he tried to kill himself because he thought you would never return…and the pain of a broken heart doesn't heal easily"

Rimmer walked across the midsection, running his hands through his hair agitatedly, "It can't be true-" he muttered

"Since you left, Mr Lister has become reclusive, he's not his usual self and for the past few weeks he's been locking himself in his quarters…I know it's not polite for me to say, but his pain was driving him to the brink of madness…"

It was too much for Rimmer to take in, "I refuse to accept that Lister cares for me, what about everything we've ever been through? The countless arguments, disagreements, crossed words, slanging matches…are you seriously saying that after all that he'd _like_ me…. he wouldn't miss me!"

" I did though…despite what you might think." came a voice,

Lister was stood at the doorway, leaning on its frame for support.

"Sir" clucked Kryten, rushing to his side "you should be in bed, you need your rest!"

Lister ignored him; he was staring straight at Rimmer, who shifted uncomfortably at his gaze.

"I missed you," he said simply.

Even Rimmer couldn't still disagree with something that had come straight from the horse's mouth. He gave a nod, not really knowing what to do or say.

Lister walked slowly over to where Rimmer was stood and gave a faint smile.

"Why did you try to kill yourself?" Rimmer blurted out, he winced inwardly at the look of complete shock that flashed across Lister's features.

"Forget it" he dismissed "I'm fine."

"Fine!" repeated Rimmer dumbfounded "Lister, you tried to take your own life…that is not being 'fine'!"

"I'm alright." shouted Lister

"Well it doesn't look like that from where I'm standing!" retorted Rimmer. "From where I'm standing it looks like you've lost the plot!"

"So I'm mad now am I?"

"You tried to kill yourself…hardly normal behaviour for a perfectly sane person" said Rimmer. "and what makes it worse is you tried to kill yourself because of me…"

Lister jerked as if he'd been slapped before forcing a laugh "you give yourself w-a-y too much credit!"

Rimmer narrowed his eyes "but it's true isn't it."

Lister shook his head defiantly, "no"

"He says otherwise," said Rimmer, pointing to Kryten to grimaced,

Lister looked outraged, he clenched his fists. It was the only thing he could do to stop him lashing out. "Well…it's times like this you really know who your friends are…" he gave Rimmer a offended look before walking calmly from the midsection, leaving Kryten and Rimmer alone with only the uncomfortable silence for company.


	6. Chapter 6

**Sunrise over the tango factory:** Last chapter for this fic! It's been hard to write, a challenge, but I've enjoyed it. And from the reviews I've got, you've enjoyed it too! THANK YOU for all the gloriously wonderful feedback. You're all great, more than great…. I'll find a word to describe how great you are!  
Toodles!

* * *

Lying on his stomach on the upper storage decks, Lister flicked tiny scraps of metal with his finger, taking little pleasure in hearing it 'ping' as it bounced down the steps. 

All the while Rimmer's words were still running through his mind.

'Who does he think he is, saying things like that!' thought Lister bitterly, flicking a bit of metal with more force then necessary.

He heard the door swish open and the sound of footsteps making their way across the deck and up the stairs, but Lister ignored it, choosing to concentrate on the final journey of the scraps of metal.

The footsteps came to a stop, and someone cast a shadow over Lister and the fragment of metal soon to meet its impending doom, but still he ignored it.

"Mind if I sit down?" asked Rimmer; his arms folded behind his back for Lister wouldn't see him twisting his fingers anxiously.

Lister raised his head to look him in the eye…he did look incredibly guilty. Wouldn't hurt to let him have his say.

"Yeah…go ahead," he muttered, hurling the scrap of metal across to the room.

Rimmer gave a grateful smile before sitting next to Lister. He allowed a small pause to occur as he planned out in his head what he was going to say.

It had to be phrased exactly right.

It had to sound sincere, caring and above all apologetic.

It hadn't to sound as if he'd just made it up on the spot.

"Sorry"

Short yes. Simple yes. Imaginative no. Origonal no…but he'd put a lot of thought into it…sort of!

"So you should be." replied Lister, although with not much spite. Over the years, He'd come to think of an apology from Rimmer to be the same as the weatherman being right…rare and to be treasured.

Rimmer took a deep breath "its just…what I'm trying to say if…well try to see this from my point of view"

Lister propped himself up on his elbows "How'd you mean?" he asked,

Rimmer cleared his throat "I watched you collapse…and honest to God, at that precise moment…I thought you were dead…you didn't move or anything…you were stone cold…hardly breathing, I've never been so scared in my life!"

It was at that point that the severity of what he'd done dawned on Lister.

When he'd taken the pills, the way his muddled brain had thought about it was that he was just going to sleep…and never waking up. Lister had never really stopped to think of what would really happen, the after effect for everyone else…

He'd tried not to think about his actions…as far as he was concerned, it never happened, but now he was forced to take a good, long look at his attempted suidice...and he didn't like it!

"I didn't plan to try and kill myself" he said quietly "It just sort of…happened"

Rimmer let out a laugh "So you just all of a sudden woke up and thought 'oh, I'll kill myself…"

"Well…yeah" replied Lister "I weren't thinking straight…." He paused "Let me level with you here man. I thought I could cope with anything Rimmer" he then began to count on his fingers "I've coped with being stranded on a planet that was so vile and disgusting it made a motorway toilet stop look pleasant. I've coped with being thousands and thousands of miles away from my home. I've coped with being 3 million years into deep space with little hope of getting back to earth. I've coped with encountering people and things that would love to kill me…I've coped with all that…and yet I couldn't cope with you leavin'"

He let the end of his sentence hang, before slipping into silence. Rimmer didn't move a muscle. He played back Lister's statement over and over in his head.

"_and yet I couldn't cope with you leavin'"_

A strange feeling descended over Rimmer, it made him want to laugh and cry at the same time…

"So, it's true then" he croaked after some time "you _did_ try to kill yourself because of me"

Lister nodded "I missed you… more than you'll probably ever understand…I found myself wishing every day, with all my heart that you'd come back…I knew I couldn't go on alone…Cat and Kryten, they're not the same as you…I needed you!"

It was at that point that his eyes filled with tears, he excused himself by turning away before allowing the tears to flow more heavily. Rimmer's arm twitched before he leaned over to Lister and wrapped his arms round his shoulders.

At first Lister pulled away from the abnormality of the situation, but after a few seconds he allowed Rimmer to actually hug him, for the main reason that it felt _right._

A couple of minutes ticked by before Lister finally spoke up.

"You can let go now"

"Oh right" blushed Rimmer, before hastily adding "well, actually I was waiting for you to…erm…leave first"

"Oh right…I didn't know" said Lister, smiling slightly.

Still neither of them moved.

Rimmer coughed "when you said 'now', did you mean 'now now' or 'whenever the hell you feel like it now'?"

Lister laughed "Your call, man"

"In that case" grinned Rimmer, pulling him closer still "get comfy…"

END


	7. Epilogue

**Sunrise over the tango factory:** Explanation of Epilogue: I got a review off Jumana saying that this ending, didn't really feel like a proper ending, and suggested an epilogue. I'd firstly like to thank Jumana for the review and helpful advice. I agree that the ending to his story may have been somewhat rushed. So, in an attempt to make up for it, here's an epilogue…

Thank you to everyone who reviewed: You're stars!

* * *

The first thing Rimmer saw when he walked into the midsection was Lister sat the table, shoulders brought up around his ears whilst he poured over some unknown item.

"What are you doing?" asked Rimmer, trying not to sound too nosey or suspicious,

Lister raised his head too look him in the eye. "Writing a letter," he said simply.

Rimmer's eyebrows knotted together in confusion " a letter" he repeated "to whom?"

"Promise you won't laugh" said Lister, timidly

"Promise" replied Rimmer, he paused briefly before adding "but if it's to Santa Claus I reserve my right to laugh and tease…"

"It's not," laughed Lister "It's to myself…"

Now Rimmer was really confused "Explain please" he said, sitting down on the chair next to Lister.

"I'm going to write a letter to myself, so that if I ever I feel the need to take my own life, I read this first" he tapped the letter "and hopefully I won't…"

"I see" mused Rimmer, "can I?"

Lister nodded and pushed the piece of paper towards him, and Rimmer began to read.

This has got to be one of the strangest letters I've ever wrote in my life…If you're reading this, things must be bad (I'm sorry if you found this whilst tidying up and wondered what it was, so decided to read it- no offence meant). I wrote this letter for me to read if I ever wanted to commit suicide again, in the hope that I'll be able to persuade myself, my future self, no to...If you still know what I'm going on about, I'm impressed…I've confused myself enough already just writing this damn thing!

Anyway, back to the matter in hand. If you are feeling like you can't go on, and that you've only got one way out. Stop. Stop for just a second and think about it. Think about what would happen afterwards, to Kryten and Cat (and Rimmer if he's still there). Think about how everyone would feel, how'd they cope. I'm not suggesting you're selfish or anything but consider how it would be for them…

Think about it long and hard. Is it really worth it, is this thing that you're going through right now so bad that you need to take your own life?

If you still think yes, sleep on it. Seriously. Things always seem better in the mornings.

The point I'm trying to make here…life is precious. Smeg, it's short enough as it is, no need to finish it prematurely!

I know you may think at times 'what's the point in carrying on'.

I thought that too. So that's when you take a look at what you've got in your life. It was only after I tried killing myself that I truly understood how much my mates meant to me, until then I'd taken them for granted, they were just 'there'. But now I realise how much I depend of them, and also how much they depend on me…

I'm going shut up now, but before I do, a few more points.

This life isn't a practise, you've got one shot at it, and if you mess up along the way carry on.

Seize opportunities.

Life is for living….don't throw it away!


End file.
